it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
