dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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