i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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