Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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