it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
