I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
