Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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