based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
