He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
