Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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