Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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