help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
