It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
