My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
