You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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