I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
