i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
