Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
