The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
