im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
