he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
