A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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