Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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