I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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