oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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