My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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