just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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