if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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