tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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