Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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