I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm really busy with my period
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