he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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