He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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