I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
