it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
