I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
