so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
