Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
