I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
