Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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