OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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