I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
