life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Non-Jews are for practice
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
