Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hippo gnu deer
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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