we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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