Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
