I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
