I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
