I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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