I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
