It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need water and some morals
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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