This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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