My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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